How Sasuke Stole Christmas
by iRsUpple
Summary: Naruto asks Sasuke why he's dressed up as Santa and stuffing trees up chimneys. He responds with a big fat lie about broken lights. Why? Because he's finally had it with the whole holiday season. Sasuke was going to steal Christmas Grinch style.


**Disclaimer:** If I owned Naruto, Sasuke would have been dead by chapter 69 and Konoha would finally have some snow.

This idea came to me from reading a Yu-Gi-Oh fic with Bakura as the Grinch. However, this poem got dramatically changed. Hope you have some laughs this Christmas season!

Enjoyyyy~

* * *

Everyone down in Konoha  
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the ninja from afar,  
Who lived just North of Konoha,  
Did NOT!

Sasuke hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be that he failed in Emo school.  
It could be, perhaps, that he had no common sense.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His heart or his arrogance,  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the villagers,  
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Sasuke frown  
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
For he knew every villager down in Konoha beneath  
Was busy now, hanging a Konoha mistletoe wreath.

It disgusted him to no end.  
He wanted to stick up his middle finger  
And glare at the villagers of Konoha Sasuke-ish-ly.

"They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his black nail polished fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Konoha girls and boys  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the villagers, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!  
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!  
They would start on Konoha-pudding, and rare Konoha-roast-beast  
Which was something the Emo couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every villager down in Konoha, the tall and the small,  
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the villagers would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!  
And the more the Emo ninja thought of the Konoha-Christmas-Sing  
The more the whiny monster thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!  
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
THE EMO  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Sasuke laughed in his throat.  
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Emo trick!  
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."  
Sasuke then looked around.  
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the old fart...?  
It certainly did not! Sasuke simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called his bitch Sakura. Then he took some red thread  
And he tied a big horn on top of her head.

THEN  
He loaded some bags  
And some old empty sacks  
On a ramshackle sleigh  
And he hitched up ol' Sakura.

Then Sasuke said, "Giddyap!"  
And the sleigh started down  
Toward the homes where the villagers  
Lay a-snooze in their town.

He liked being the Emo he was.  
Even if he was alone,  
He would rather die  
Than carve roasted beast or hang up Konoha mistletoe wreaths.

The thought of stealing the holiday from Konoha made him giddy.  
Why, he was so giddy, Sakura was a little scared.  
Somehow,  
She knew her pink fur would look absolutely shitty  
After this round and a bout, leaving life not worth living  
Because she was scarce on a few of her doggy dog lives.

She did not have backup lives like cat did.  
Even if she did, the bastard Uchiha used his dickery power  
And threw her extra lives down a random chimney tower.

All the Konoha civilians were in their beds and snoozing.  
The windows were dark as quiet snow filled the air…  
All the villagers were all dreaming sweet dreams without care  
When he came to the first house in the square.  
"This is stop number one," The old bastard Claus hissed  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
But if Santa could do it, then so could the he!  
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue  
Where the little mini stockings all hung in a row.  
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

The magnet he used was rather big.  
It picked up toys that were essentially magnetic.  
Sasuke couldn't wait to see the children and their reaction!  
For he knew, after this night, they would never play with their noisy contraptions.

The thought of resting peacefully felt strangely nice.  
Surely the critters would thank him for this.  
Ehh… Probably the scurrying mice.

He slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and he took every present!  
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!  
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the bastard, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the villagers' feast!  
He took the Konoha-pudding! He took the roast beast!  
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.  
Why, that bastard even took their last can of Kono-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
"And NOW!" grinned the bastard said, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Emo grabbed the tree, and he started to shove  
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.  
He turned around fast, and he saw a small child!  
It was little Naruto who was not more than two.

Sasuke had been caught by this little fox  
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.  
He stared at the raven-haired bastard and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"

But, you know, that old son of a bitch was so smart and so slick  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my sweet little fox," the fake Santy Claus lied,  
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.  
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
"I'll fix it up _there_. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head  
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.  
And when Naruto went to bed with his cup,  
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took  
Was the log for their fire.  
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of food  
That he left in the house  
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

Then  
He did the same thing  
To the other vilagers' houses

Leaving crumbs  
Much too small  
For the other villagers' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the villagers, still a-bed  
All the villagers, still a-snooze  
When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings  
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Hebi,  
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!  
"Pooh-pooh to the villagers!" he was bastard-ish-ly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"Then all the villagers down in Konoha will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Emo,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused and put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Konoha!  
The bastard popped his eyes!  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every villager down in Konoha, the tall and the small,  
Was singing! Without any presents at all!  
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or another, it came just the same!

And the bastard, with his no longer Emo-feet ice-cold in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"  
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.  
Then the ex-bastard thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?  
Well...in Konoha they say  
That Uchiha Sasuke's small little heart  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!  
And he...

...THE EX-BASTARD HIMSELF...!  
The no-longer-as-Emo Sasuke carved the roast beast!

* * *

Yo peopleeee. It's Christmas and I can't even kick some ass in Pokeymanz because Marriland forums decided to be homo and close down until the 26th.

The Internet isn't a mall and a forum isn't either. Closing it down is just...

But whatever, their gayness caused my boredom to take over. And you guys are probably thanking the Poke gods just to make me suffer.

S'all good though. I love all of you anyway so this is my affection to meh readers. **-I CURRENTLY ACCEPT BATTLES IN D/P, DUDES. GIVE ME YOUR FCs NAOOOO-**

**_M.E.R.R.Y. C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.S.S.S.!.!.!._  
**


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